|
|
|
|
|

|
|
|
|
|
Yes, this is one of those spur of the moment things.

Ms. H, you knew it before you acted yet you did it anyway. Just so you know, stolen goods have a tendency of being stolen again.

Sour-graping? Mayhaps. The point still stands, though.

Malice? Perhaps, as malice in this would be interpreted by the recipient.

C'est la vie, for better or worse.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1723H  11/03/08 (GMT +0800H)
   
~~~
    A/N: I don't own the universe/concepts/ideas or any part of the universe that Terry Goodkind created. I'm only citing them because the philosophy presented by Mr. Goodkind is, in my opinion, true & simple.
~~~

    Weeks separate me from implementing a critical decision. While I spend whatever resource I have in preparation for the execution of my plan, I also duel with the Wizard's Rules.

    Against every decision that leads to the climax, I contrast it with the First Rule. Is my perception tainted by my prejudices? Is my assessment skewed because of irrational fears?  Currently, I've yet to determine if I'm violating it as I assess my work environment and one of my adopted sister's reaction. Am I too insecure & filled with low self-esteem, thus skewing my appreciation towards the negative?

    The Third Rule runs through each act, for each act I make is fueled by anger, anger borne from unjust actions and words towards my person. I've need to be rational, else all I've done & gained will be for naught. Yet, I've need of the burning anger, for righteous anger is the one that moves me onward out of the cage I'm currently in. That I act towards my freedom makes me think: Am I reaching for another set of chains with this endeavor or am I working towards the state I'm meant to be in?

    Acts directed towards me are measured against the Fifth Rule, after I've assessed said act with the First Rule. More often than not, the data indicates that the decision I intend to make is the right one, provided I haven't been violating the First Rule all along. [tilts head to the right] Sure, the decision I'll make will require hardships in my part. Whichever choice I make, I'll have to face hardships. It's just a question of what option will yield the best results. But, if the best results will be obtained in exchange for a continuation of the downward spiral I'm doing my best to reverse, consequences be damned. I've seen a glimpse of the phantoms that I'll fight in a continued dive and they're most horrible to behold.

    Onwards, then.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    18:08 10/13/08(GMT +0800) ~START~


    [exhales through the mouth & smirks] Up 'til now, every day at the Rehabilitation Department is like a stroll through a mine field. There are days when the mine field is from the Dark Ages and there are days when the mine field is right out of the Vietnam & Kosovo wars. It sucks that I've only got an empathy emulator instead of the real thing.

    Hot dang. Add the fact that certain aspects of my life have escalated to critical levels & I've got a good amount of balls to juggle. [smirks in thought] Come to think of it, I'm a very bad juggler. I'm better at dancing, even if it's just a bit. I guess I'll treat each relevant aspect as a dance partner instead. I can keep a better track of stuff that way. Each part of the dance will require that I only give attention to a particular partner (i.e. aspect) but the whole of the dance will allow me to tend to every part, as time & resources permit. My Mentat Engine should be able to handle the strain. After all, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

    Yes, I'm using vague terms to describe some parts of my life so as to avoid trouble.

~~~

    I've always loved swings. The feeling of flight, even for a limited time, is something I enjoy. Spending time on a sturdy swing set is the BEST way to unwind for me. I can let the songs go through my head. I can "fly" through my concerns, knowing that even as reality constrains my efforts, my mind is competent enough to create solutions towards my goals.

    I just spent time on a sturdy swing set. I flew. I remembered how it was to be me & how important it is that I keep on becoming the person I want to be. Sure, I'm afraid of heights. [smiles] But the fear just makes the experience of flight sweeter. The fact that my closest friends also enjoy spending time on swings is another thing that makes me smile.


~~~

    [sighs] Well, I've been closing a lot of doors lately. I closed the door on H****. I closed the door on J*****.

    Of course, just closing the door won't work so I'm making sure Freedom & Destiny keeps those doors closed. It might be futile & useless since I don't think either Lady would want to open the door, but I'd rather be safe.


~~~

    The Samurai is still chugging along. Argh. My pride & joy isn't up to spec because I've been slacking off. Then again, repressing & sublimating all the rage I have takes a lot out of me, leaving me with precious little energy to refine my memory palace.

    At any rate, my improvement program is proceeding, albeit at a slower pace. The rehabilitation department I'm in is letting me use some of the equipment, so I've been able to start the exercise regimen for my shoulders' internal & external rotators. I'm practicing with my recorder almost every night, playing "A time for us" & "Somewhere out there". I visit the Samurai almost every day, just to check stuff & put up structures.

    While my life can certainly be better or worse at the moment, I can say that ... Well, I can say that my life is, that I'm living it the best way that I can, given the circumstances I'm in. Not many people my age can say that, I guess.


    18:59 10/13/08(GMT +0800) ~END~

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1822H 09/08/08 (GMT +0800) ~START~


    Hokay, stewing in potent hate for the better part of the oath-taking ceremony wasn't a sensible decision, if only because it drained me. Nonetheless, all the hatred I had & have are, at least, clearly pointed, meaning all the hatred I feel have concrete targets, which means that I can sublimate all that energy into productive stuff. [tilts head to the right in consideration] Of course, I could always indulge in a destructive rampage should the need arise, but cleaning up after such a blatant display of nihilistic rage would be too troublesome so I'll most likely avoid such a course of action. That's why there are PC games for the times when I need to vent. Should I have need to more than I can expend in a PC game, there are always used tires that I can hit with my sticks.

    I'll start making the diagrams for Freedom & Destiny, my twinned spatha. I like the fact that the spatha is basically a blade with a handle means I don't have to know any of the fancy moves that require crossguards. Of course, I'd have to know of them so I can avoid or counter said moves.

    I'm fixated on the PC game of Temple of Elemental Evil. I wasn't able to finish playing, nor was I even able to get to half of it, when the game was installed in the communal PC. After playing around with pen & paper/Notepad, I've decided to ditch my favored sorcerer/paladin build since it wouldn't have worked in a party. Besides, my charismatic side is pretty much based on my logic circuits. So, I ditched it in favor of a fighter/evoker (evokers are wizards specialized in evocation, who forego knowledge of two other schools of magic to gain the ability to cast one more evocation spell). Truth be told, the way my party in Temple of Elemental Evil is made up, I've two PCs (Player Character) that are personal avatars. Both are dual-wielders and both have ranged attacks (one uses magic while the other uses a bow). Come to think of it, that I've changed my preferred build may mean that I've somehow come to a turning point. Maybe I've come to accept the part of me that goes with my internal sense of Justice, instead of being bound to other's expectations of what's right & wrong, even if the expectation is detrimental to my growth. As of now, I'm waiting for the resources to become available, resources that will allow me to play said game.

    Thanks to my brother, I was able to obtain songs of Smokey Mountain, a teen group created by Ryan Cayabyab back in the early to mid nineties. "Kahit habang buhay" is a sweet love song, albeit stupid. [smirks in amusement] Come on, unrequited love is such a painful, nigh-pointless gig that I wonder why some indulge in it. What do you get out of loving someone who doesn't love you back? If your love is not reciprocated, then it means your values are incongrous or incompatible with the one you love, which means something is bound to happen that will end the relationship, one that grew out of those differing values. I'll always be attracted to a junior of mine (who got her PT license ahead of me). She's hot because her curves are at the right places & at the right proportions, even if she's shorter than what I need. Her eyes speak of intelligence & a depth of person that I know I'll enjoy being with. Alas [strikes a theatrical pose of dismay], something just doesn't go "click" in her whenever I'm around, so I guess that means I'll have to content myself with being able to look at her, knowing that it won't go further than that. Eye-candy is eye-candy, no point in not looking at something pleasant, even if I can't possess said eye-candy.

    I'm waiting for Macross Frontier to finish so the free fan subs can be acquired. I can't buy it since I don't have cash & buying it would be pointless, even if I did have cash, because I don't fully understand Nihonggo. I love "Lion" & "Northern Cross", gotta love those upbeat songs. There's also the second season of Gundam 00, which will feature some somewhat absurd Gundam designs [points at the Cherubim Gundam, "Why the hell are you on tip-toes?"] but I'll watch because of their eye-candy tactical forecaster & because I think Setsuna will keep on using a dual-wielding attack pattern, which will be educational.

    I'm still having headaches, though they haven't reached a level 5 for at least a week now (10 being the most painful). I'm getting level 1s everyday, so I'm adapting to it. Kinda hate the possibility that my increased utility of my brain is the reason for the pain, but [shrugs], the options are win or die. Not thinking will lead to a pointless extinction, punctuating a useless existence.

    Thunder's been audible & we've had a short shower earlier. If I'm lucky, it'll be raining when I dance outside, which will be in a few minutes. I love the rain & how it cools everything down, nourishing as it cascades from the heavens. Maybe that's the reason why I just adapt to the inconveniences caused by precipitation, instead of vehemently complaining about it. Knee-high rubber boots will be a priority acquisition come employment.

    1924H 09/08/08 (GMT +0800) ~END~

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1118H 08/30/08 (GMT +0800) ~START~

   
    As of now, I'm sleepy more often than before & I've been like this for 13 or so days already. Upbeat songs help keep me awake, though said songs don't work all the time. The only things I remember changing are my cinnamon consumption (I've been using it daily in my coffee in an effort to stay awake) & my arnis routine (I've stopped having a nearly daily dose since I've been unable to meet up with the local kids I've been teaching). I've restarted doing my dance just this morning & I'll keep off the coffee starting tomorrow. Right now, I'm slowly finishing off a 750mL bottle of Mountain Dew, a drink renowned for its caffeine content.

    The drowsiness makes thinking so much harder. It's a lot worse than going without my glasses. Going without my glasses inside a mall for an hour made me feel blind. The only thing that brings me to full alertness whenever I'm drowsy is anger. Unfortunately, the anger burns me out, thus making me drowsier in the end. Being drowsy is like knowing you can be but being denied the ability to be. It's so frustrating to be drowsy [smirks in annoyance]. I've made a lot of spelling & grammatical errors I'd usually not make. At the very least, I'm no longer having idiopathic headaches.

    My memory palace is still in relative disarray, though its CIC is nearly totally solid since I've been using it a lot during the past few days. Of course, nothing beats pen & paper when it comes to remembering things. If it wasn't written down, it doesn't exist. Most unfortunately, the Veritech hangar lacks the Veritechs it's supposed to house. That's no less than 24 mnemonic touchpoints & I haven't included the cranes, lorries & ammo racks in the equation. Though [shrugs], the Samurai itself is still basically empty so I've little rational reasons for complaints or rants.

    Come Monday, I'll perform an extended search for additional probable places of employment while I obtain a document & tickets for the oath-taking ceremony from the PRC while I have photocopies made of other important documents. Afterwards, I'll return to a preferred probable place of employment because I've (stupidly) forgotten to obtain the phone number of the place, something I can't obtain through the 'Net since that hospital doesn't have a functional web page. At least [tilts head to the right in thought], I haven't found a functional website for said hospital. I'll see if my charm can work its usual magic on people when I go out this Monday. The fine thing about said charm/charisma is that it plays well with my Mentat Engine.

    [sighs in resignation] Well, I've currently no options for a probable Lady. Right now, I'm listening to Princessa's "I won't forget you", Utada Hikaru's "Moving on without you" & Simply Red's "Stars". Tis frustrating that I'm twenty & six years of age & I've yet to find Her. If my worst fears come to pass, I'll die of a cerebral hemorrhage by my fourth decade because I've maxed out my mental capabilities. Of course [tilts head to the right], I could start eating a healthier diet to ameliorate the extant vascular damage. Will that be enough?

    Come Wednesday, I'll be going through a series of hoops in my quest for gainful employment of my license's profession. [smirks in irony & amusement] "Here, kitty, kitty. Jump through the flaming hoops to please the crowd & earn your dinner."

    By the end of the week, if my luck holds true, I'll have a copy of "Mr. God, this is Anna" by Fynn. That my first copy of it was lost by a (now former) friend was a tad annoying. That no visible effort to replace such an important book was made by said former friend is irksome.

    Since I'm more inclined to write, I've written e-mails to friends. It's a tad disappointing that I haven't received replies to some, though such an outcome was one of the probable scenarios (since I can't expect every friend of mine to want to reply through e-mail). It's been approximately 9 weeks since I sent them mail. Some have replied while some have kept quiet, which was expected. What does the silence mean? Am I really & truly alone? Are the only stalwart friends I have the ones I've put inside my memory palace, friends who're extensions of my person, friends that are not separate entities from my soul? I hope that my future place of employment will provide the friends I seek. I'm lonely, almost terribly so.

    I've been tinkering with Magenta. I've mounted my hopelessly crippled Freedom Gundam's waist on it so it'll have integral weaponry in the form of a pair of rail guns that serve as sheaths for a pair of beam sabers. I was annoyed that Magenta's only weapons outside of its striker packs are a pair of armor schneiders. Come on, my personal mobile suit only has a pair of piddling knives? After an hour or so of looking at Magenta wearing a waist unit not its own, I decided that the transplanted waist created an aesthetically unpleasant mobile suit. In my opinion, my mobile suit has to be dangerous AND pretty. At any rate, I'm considering the acquisition of the kits that have the IWSP, Sword & Launcher packs, which means I'll be buying two extra kits just to get those three packs. Magenta is Adaptive. It can't perform that function if it only has the Aile Striker pack, can it? The fact that I've got a relatively big armory because I've other 1/100 scale kits is a salve to the spirit of the disciple of General George C. Patton.

    1709H 08/30/08 (GMT +0800) ~END~

| NOTE: I do NOT own the copyrighted characters or licensed materials. Standard disclaimers apply.
|
|
|
|
|
    12:05H 08/16/08 (GMT +0800)


    What is, is.


~~~Location: Inside the Samurai - Heavily modified Pellaeon-class Imperial Star Destroyer, currently traversing Infinity

~~~Dramatis Personae:

    Bridge Crew:

        Commanding Officer    : My self
        Executive Officer    : Hannibal Lecter, MD
        Weapons Officer        : Teletha Testarossa
        Launch Officer        : Lisa Hayes
        Tactics Officer        : Lacus Clyne

    CIC (Combat Information Center)

    CO: [sighs as I plunk down on the command seat] Nothing new, is there?

    XO: Event "Third Impact": Coruscant has come to pass, Captain.

    CO: So it has [slumps in weary relief]. That's one less thing to stress about. That one went out with a whimper of a bang. [smirks in annoyance] That one was almost a waste of time, wasn't it?

    XO: If not for the lesson learned & the reinforcement of a previous lesson about avoiding specific entities, it would've been a disappointing waste.

    CO: Anything else?

    TO: The Quest's current Target is a "non-responsive", Taichou.

    CO: [nods in acknowledgment] Let's hold our current status. At the moment, we've got a lot of time to burn & rushing or forcing the issue is moot. The target's reaction, or lack of it, will state what subsequent action is most apt.

    TO: The Mentat Engine predicts that the Quest's Target will maintain status quo.

    XO: [snorts in a dignified manner] Just goes to show that when pushed, some people raise their defenses out of fear of the unknown.

    CO: We're not exactly better, sometimes, are we [makes a sidelong glance towards the good doctor]?

    XO: We make occasional & scheduled calculated risks towards the unknown to make substantial gains. That's hardly what I can call raising our defenses when pushed.

    WO: That's because we go in with our defenses ALREADY raised, Lecter-sensei.

    CO: Touché, Doctor.

    XO: The safety of this ship is paramount. We're responsible for lives beyond ours, sir.

    CO: [looks to the stars at the main screen, pondering] So we are, so we are.

    LO: [taps her screens] Your personal mobile suit is about to arrive, sir.

    CO: My Strike Rouge's coming? [grins as if Christmas came early]

    XO: [snorts, again in a dignified manner] Your predilection towards pink is appalling. I'm still wondering why I agreed to serve in a PINK warship.

    LO: The Samurai is privately owned & if the owner, who also happens to be the commanding officer, wants it pink, then it'll be pink. The Veritech squadrons & mobile suit squads have no complaints about launching from a pink warship. [taps keys to bring out a form] Of course, Flight Officer Koiso Ryoko continues to submit daily protests on the Samurai's color scheme, which this bridge humors.

    CO: [grins cheekily] We've yet to slap her down with a punishment for insubordination, haven't we? How about we let it get around that her complaints will earn her a HOT PINK veritech as her personal ride?

    LO: [smirks in amusement] Noted, sir. I'll pass it on to Major Miriya Sterling.

    CO: Doctor? The Samurai's not pink. It's painted in old rose.

    WO: You already have a name for your personal mobile suit, don't you?

    CO: MAGENTA is what she'll be named, as is her OS.

    TO: We'll begin installing the necessary software ASAP so you can coordinate your actions within MAGENTA with the Samurai's operations [taps her schematics].

    XO: Why would you want to go out in a personal mobile suit when you're safer & more powerful inside the Samurai?

    CO: For the rush, Doctor, what else? Besides, having a wild card in a game has the ability to swing the odds to our favor. The opposition doesn't have to know we've got ANOTHER mobile suit that we can throw against it, does it [grins evilly]? Since MAGENTA can go out using any of the Striker packs, we can throw any surprises we need, yes? Also, I'll personally be able to access two POVs nigh-simultenously, from up-close with the mobile units & from afar through my link with the Samurai. I can always dock with the Samurai if there's need.

    TO: We'll have to time your launch so we'll get the most out of the maneuver.

    LO: Any of the egress ports & launch catapults will meet MAGENTA's needs.

    WO: I've already set up MAGENTA's upgrade from battery-powered to nuclear-driven.
   
    XO: To maximize our gain from your use of MAGENTA, I'd suggest we leave no survivors in any encounter whenever you launch, Captain.

    CO: [nods] True. We can't have news leaking out that we've a wild card. That'll be the SOP unless there are circumstances that supersede it. [taps chin with right index & middle fingers] We'll leave a survivor if we need someone to spread terror or if we're going to capture & turn the survivor/s.


    0846H 08/27/08 (GMT +0800)


    TO: Taichou [taps various holograms], sensors indicate that the Quest's current Target has reacted. Bringing it up on the main screen.

    XO: The reaction is significantly delayed. It's also remarkably erratic.

    CO: [steeples fingers as I sit on the command chair] The reaction is still within the predictions of the Mentat Engine, though. Weaps, Tac-O, speak up.

    WO: We've executed the appropriate counter within seconds of intercept.

    TO: Target has reacted with a very short burst of information & has yet to react to our succeeding counter-volley.

    LO: Attack MS squad Officer Sagara requests that his unit be allowed to sortie & attack, request approved by Squad Commander Pendragon.

    CO: [leans forward on chair, squints in thought, left fingers tap armrest it's on & right hand cups chin] Yes, we could go on the offensive on this one. Unfortunately, the Target's reactions are almost always delayed & we've already spent a reasonable amount of time on it. I say we remove it from our sights, pull anchor & put it out of our minds. [shrugs] Seems we'll have to look again.

    XO: Setting the Samurai on a course away from the current Target as I speak.

    TO: Setting the Quest's sensors to passive acquisition mode as I speak.

    WO: My sympathies, Taichou.

    XO: At least we didn't get another Third Impact. That would've been unacceptable.

    CO: True, that. Lacus, what's next on our list?

    TO: [taps holograms] We've an appointment with a probable source of usable Credits.

    LO: Attack MS squad will launch minus the units equipped with the Aile & Launcher packs. Defense MS squad will be on standby, with the remaining units from the Attack squad.

    WO: Tannhäuser cannons ready for use, Taichou. We've got 50% output & its good for [taps screens] at least seven volleys. Scottie says he can give you an additional three if you can buy him 15 minutes. He'll use the time to replace the parts we'll vaporize with the last & seventh volley.

    CO: Very well [nods]. All hands, stand down until 1100H. We'll use the time to recalibrate & recuperate. Those who wish to run drills or play in the simulators are allowed to do so but will rest at 1000H. Our battle standard will arrive on 09/07/08 & will be usable a day after. We'll begin our recon for Credits on that same day. Doctor Lecter & Ms. Clyne will acquire whatever information that'll be useful for our recon. Ladies Hayes & Testarossa will perform simulations for those recon runs & will pass on the approved plans to the concerned mobile units.

|
|
|
|
|
|

    I wrote this letter for Ms. SN/AHH.


~~~Letter starts

    1812H 08/14/08 (GMT +0800)

   
    There is much to be said about living. In the words said of it, those that describe, one's opinion and probable course of action are revealed or predicted.

    Terry Goodkind's fictional world is, in my opinion, a reflection of what is. The Wizard's Rules are potent, making them dangerous tools. That they expose & reveal core truths of humanity makes this one think: "Truly, humans are interesting, for they weaken or empower according to what they hold dear".

    Through the lives I've lived in the books I've immersed myself in & the Mentat engine I've developed, I've learned to predict (up to the 2nd level if I push my limits, though I usually go for the 1st level for efficiency & to avoid the headaches) the outcome of selected situations. [smirks in thought] Most unfortunately, my pessimistic bent & depressive predilection produces negative prognostications before the positive ones. True, the gloom precedes. As it is, the darkness is a perfect background for the vibrant coruscating stars, is it not?

    Here, now, I've come to point where I choose. You've invoked the Wizard's First Rule when I've received a reaction most unsound to words meant for someone else. This time, I used the First Rule as I danced using words, knowing that the results would be as final as a slash & stab combined move delivered by Destiny & Freedom, that the reaction you'll make will irreversibly commit us to a path.

    Knowing the value of words, I've told you that I've decided to do away with my life. Knowing the potency of such a revelation, I used the First Rule to evoke the reaction that would paint a picture that made sense.

    You had means, direct & private, that would've delivered your opinions & feelings about that decision I've voiced. You chose to disclose your thoughts through an open channel. I know the limitations I've imposed on you through the available media & I know that your limited choices would divulge a considerable part of your estimation of my person.

    You invoked the First Rule when you thought I'd judge you, that I'd think badly of you. When we were able to resume communications, I tried to explain myself but you decided to do away with it, as if the transgression didn't exist. In that, you've violated the Sixth Rule.

    As I write this, I question myself: "In reacting like this, am I violating the Third Rule?". Perhaps I am, but only time will tell.

    Using the First Rule, telling you that I intended to end my life, I evoked a reaction that, I believe, would show me just how you perceive me.

    Your blog entry, the one that I've evoked, raises the following questions.

    Why did you not address me personally when you're able to do just that (through e-mail)? Am I not entitled to my privacy? You used my nickname derived from my GIVEN name. As it is, even if I've chosen to avoid the particular circle/clique/profession that you move in/around, there's the possibility that your opinions of me would reach someone pertinent. What was the reason behind your public disclosure (your posts weren't restricted to a particular group of people, i.e. anybody who knew where to look would discover it) of your reaction to my decision? The mean-minded would readily use, should they choose, your opinion to sway events against me should the opportunity present itself. Even if I'm successful in the evasion of those who were directly influenced by your opinions of me, there's still the chance that someone who was indirectly influenced will provide ammunition against me. Yes, my Machiavellian nature shows through this analysis & perception. In this, the Fifth Rule comes to play.

    If my brother is telling the truth or he hasn't forgotten any phone-calls received yesterday while I was out of the house, why did you write that you called the landline number I gave when the data I have says you didn't or couldn't have? Senile old me doesn't remember giving you a landline number, though such an act (me giving you the landline number) is highly possible & probable, so the probability that you couldn't have called (because she didn't have my landline number) is low.

    Why did you think I'd easily surrender all that I've won? It's true that all my battles will be uphill because of the peculiar mix of my psychiatric condition & the path I've chosen. Nonetheless, I'm too stubborn to just throw in the towel just because the situation looks hopeless.
    "Think of the solution, not of the problem."
    "Nothing is every easy."
    "Choose & act."
    I've failed to pass the board exam on my first attempt. I went ahead & took it again. I'd have taken it again, knowing that my preparations for the second attempt were incomplete. I'd have taken that exam six times before reconsidering my course of action, each attempt preceded by a more rigorous preparation. During each attempt, I'd step forward, resting when needed, dancing all the way.

    What could your reasons for your actions be? Why did you act in such a way that paints me in a negative manner? The fact that I quite readily condemn myself for my faults, an obvious habit of mine, begs the question: "What did you intend to gain or achieve when you invoked the First Rule & when you reacted to my use of the First Rule?".

    If your reactions are based on your ignorance of my person, which is the more probable option, prognostications state that I stand to gain little in interacting with you because your actions that involve the First Rule state that you don't think well of me. Your reaction to words meant for someone else brings forth the possibility that you're afraid I'd think badly of you or that you think I'd think badly of you. That possibility spills over to the possibility that you don't think well of me & it states that you'll likely actively distrust any subsequent words or actions I direct towards you.

    If your reactions that involved the First Rule are based on a misinterpretation, it stands to reason that you're just as likely to repeat the entire process of misinterpreting & reacting without asking for clarifications. "If it has happened once, it will not happen again. If it has happened twice, it will happen thrice." Such a pattern tends to create an aesthetically unpleasant tapestry of friendship [smirks].

    Clichés & proverbs stand because they have evidence. The Wizard's Rules stand because they are based on objective data, objective self-evident data.

    Nonetheless, the possibility that my interpretation of the situation is wrong exists. Reality exacts a specific price for mistakes.

    Price no object, in this case.

~~~Letter ends


    That her reply, which ended in "... &, frankly, I don't care", was the most probable reply she'd send & was the one that was sent says a lot. Most unfortunately, the only specific & reliable thing that it states is: "Tis best that you go away.".

    [shrugs] Of course, it could be that I'm the one who's saying that to myself or that she's the one telling me to go away. Either way, all the other implied data I've earned through those unanswered questions is sufficient reason to stay away from her.

    I loved her. I'll not make an ass out of myself by judging her according to her actions towards me (as I already make an ass out of myself often enough whenever I act stupidly). My decisions about her will be limited within my person, which is why I've only revealed the one thing I'm reasonably sure of. [shrugs]

    She's her own person & for that she has my respect.

    She firmly believes in Love & her efforts to find & earn that Love have my support.

    As things stand, the lines have been drawn & the only way she can cross (which is quite unlikely, because according to my prognostications she'd keep away from me) those lines is to earn the respect of Freedom & Destiny. In hindsight [tilts head to the left in thought], I should've made sure she had my swords' respect before I allowed myself to love her. Next time, the next prospective Lady will have to earn the respect of my swords before I allow myself to love her.

    At any rate [shrugs], it seems that we've implicitly mutually ended our relations/connection. Losing whatever we had was a loss. [looks at the mirror] I'm still alive, so this loss stands to make me stronger. She'll always have my best wishes. That she may have thought or really thinks badly of me will not be taken against her. [shrugs] I'm one of the hardest people to befriend & love. [smirks] Mayhaps I should do away with my sarcasm [taps chin with right index finger]? Nah [smirks in amusement], I love that about me. It helps me deal with the annoyances & injects humor in an otherwise aggravating object. I'll practice using a deadpan expression to deliver the sarcasm, though. Maybe that'll help.

| NOTE: I do NOT own the copyrighted characters or licensed materials. Standard disclaimers apply.
|
|
|
|
|
    1842H 08/06/08 (GMT +0800)


    Stasis prior to kinesis


~~~Location: Inside the Samurai - Heavily modified Pellaeon-class Imperial Star Destroyer, currently traversing Infinity

~~~Dramatis Personae:

    Bridge Crew:

        Commanding Officer    : My self
        Executive Officer        : Hannibal Lecter, MD
        Weapons Officer         : Teletha Testarossa
        Launch Officer           : Lisa Hayes
        Tactics Officer           : Lacus Clyne

    CIC (Combat Information Center)

    CO: Status please.

    XO: We're currently in enforced stasis due to two heavy Interdictor-class cruisers. The crew is restless from twiddling their thumbs instead of being allowed to do their jobs. Internal resources are within the imposed limits.

    CO: [sighs in frustration] Weaps, we've no attack options, do we?

    WO: Actually, we do, Taichou. Unfortunately, starting an attack against those two Interdictors will precipitate a severe war of attrition that we're bound to lose. [plays with braided silver hair while perusing her screens] We can outlast them, true. It's just not worth it, though.

    XO: Phyrric victories [smirks].

    CO: True, that [shakes head]. Launch?

    LO: Gryphon & Sphinx are still out of commission until we have all those Veritechs online. The squadron leaders and their flight officers are about to max out the flight simulators but actual use of the variable fighters are imperative, sir. We won't stand a chance against the next projected battle in our current state. The Samurai was lucky to have won that battle last July 26-27, 2008.

    TO: Taichou, we've nothing to do except wait.

    CO: Tell me something I don't know, Tac-O [exhales in exasperation].

    XO: We wouldn't be in this situation if you planned the situation better.

    TO: Our Taichou has done what he was able under the circumstances, Doctor.

    XO: Those actions are demonstrably inefficient, as our present situation indicates [gestures with the left palm towards the Interdictors].

    LO: The Samurai left the drawing board no less than five months ago. A full half of our mobile units are unavailable & the three functional mobile suit teams aren't enough to win us the victory we need. Our turbolaser & ion cannon batteries have yet to be mounted & our Tannhauser positron cannons are only being constructed as we speak. Our only option is to ram one of the Interdictors while our mobile suit complement engages the other.

    CO: In short, we launched too late.

    XO: Yes.

    TO: Still, what we have is a lot more than what we had months, even years ago. When the opportune time comes, we can wage unlimited war because we'll have the resources we need. Patience & focus are to be exercised, taichou, if we are to win this war.

    CO: [rubs face with palms] Doesn't mean I have to like it, do I?

    XO: Though you don't have to like it, stressing over it is most unwise. We've already made plans according to what we have & our projected acquisitions. In the interim, the Samurai's crew will continue to run the drills we've scheduled. Completion & upgrades will proceed as planned. [smirks] Besides, you're not exactly at your peak, either.

    CO: [glances out of the corner of my eye] Says the old geezer.

    XO: [raises right eyebrow in retort]

    CO: [snorts in acceptance of the jibe] I'll stick to the exercise program. Satisfied? Anyhow, Weaps, Launch, Tac-O [the three nod in acknowledgment while watching their monitors] I need status reports on the Quest, Operation Overlord & ... [stares towards the stars]

    TO: The Quest is currently directed towards a Lady the Samurai has encountered approximately three months ago.

    LO: I'd like to repeat my opinion that engaging a new target so soon after a failed campaign is foolhardy, sir. We still need to repair the heavily damaged portions of the Samurai. We'll likely need those repaired if we're to engage & win with minimal losses.

    CO: "The meek shall inherit squat", Ms. Hayes. I know how much the Samurai can take & I'm confident we'll survive another defeat if that is how this current campaign will turn out. I'm hoping we'll win, though.

    XO: Overconfident, aren't we?

    WO: I'd say that Taichou knows the limits of the Samurai & he's willing to dance quite close to those limits, Doctor.

    CO: Still, our current objective has yet to react. We need a reaction if we're to proceed. Tac-O, what's the plan for a "non-responsive"?

    TO: [taps her screens to bring up schematics] Astrogation plots us a new course. The pertinent portions of the Samurai will stand down from yellow alert until a new probable is located. Drills, tactics & strategies will be practiced until the crew has nightmares from it.

    XO: A "responsive" will be more chaotic, though. We'll be dealing with a lot of unknown variables that are potentially destructive. MAD comes to mind.

    WO: We're running simulations to avoid just those situations, Doctor. Mutually Assured Destruction doesn't benefit the ship, even if we're able to withstand such an event. Collateral damage is to be avoided at all costs.

    XO: Not if it compromises the ship.

    CO: [glares at the good doctor] While we're prepared to hurt others just to survive, we're NOT, I repeat, NOT going to be cavalier about this. We're going in slow & cautious until we get our fighters & finish our repairs. While our ship & its crew are most important to us, we're also to value those outside. We gain nothing from needless belligerence.

    LO: Launching our fighters as a display of force isn't needless belligerence, Taichou.

    CO: Tell that to the natives [snorts]. Sorry, we're all tired from this aggravating imposed stasis. Doctor, Tac-O, please activate Perception of the Present, Ruthlessness & Imagination while we all take a rest. Those three will be able to tend the ship while we rest. Have the two Shield triums on stand-by. I don't want to be caught with our pants & skirts down. Tell the crew to spend their time relaxing in shifts. Gryphon & Sphinx will continue to twiddle their thumbs in between simulations. Attack, Defense & Drop teams are to stay in their quarters until we have those variable fighters. Tell Engineering to rush those turrets & positron cannons. We're worse than sitting ducks here, people. [rises from the command seat] I'm hitting the sack, [bows at the waist] Ladies, [turns & bows at the neck] Doctor. [walks towards the turbolift]

    TO: Before you go, Taichou, [fingers bring up an image] you'd better see this.

    CO: [scans the image] Yep [sighs]. The Samurai is still hurting over that latest defeat. Doctor, have Engineering expedite repairs. Even if I'm getting used to those rumbles & shakes whenever that defeat's results act up, it would be best if the damaged portions are preferably repaired or reduced to their atomic components for recycling if they're beyond help. The Quest's next Objective deserves a Samurai in its peak so let's not disappoint, shall we?

|
|
|
|
|
|
|
    Hokay.

    I'm still hurting over her.

    The pain means I'm still as human as the rest of the population.

    Reading her blog brings up a lot of memories, the aggravating annoyance that comes from a mistake that spawned a disaster & the grief from the perception that I've lost everything of her that was relevant.

    I'll get over her & my feelings for her.

    I'm a lot of things and I know that what I wrote wasn't directed at her. As it is, it's the results that count and the results which said "Good riddance" hasn't changed a whit.

    Life goes on.

    I don't think this can kill me, even if my chest feels like its being crushed every time I think of her. That the crushing chest pain mixes with the headache the memories, thoughts & feelings inevitably evoke is a torture I wouldn't inflict on anybody I love.

    Life goes on & I have to step forward along with it.

    That the evidence I have implies that she thought I'd malign her, when I've loved her with everything that I am, is the thing that hurts most.

    Am I really that hateful?

    Am I really the monster I sometimes fear myself to be?

    Life goes on & I -MUST- step forward to face reality, whatever it may be.

    If I am a monster to her, so be it.

    If I am a monster to everyone around me, so be it.

    Just because I am a monster to everyone doesn't mean I have to BE that monster.

    As long as I breathe, I'll do what I can to change for the better.

    The commitment's made.

    Here & now, I seal that commitment with Freedom & Destiny.

|
|
|
|
|
|

    1140H 07/31/08 (GMT +0800H)


    I PASSED the Philippine Physical Therapist's Licensure Exam.

    Hot damn. Passing feels GREAT!

    Of course, there's this lil ambiguity that comes from discovering that my relatives had masses said in my behalf. I've nothing against masses being offered in my behalf. It's just that it kinda cheapens the victory I received. I mean, it feels oodles better if I can present to those I care for (& worship, that's You, Big Guy) accomplishments that I've earned solely by my effort.

    There's also this sadness 'cause someone special decided she's better off without me, if I've correctly interpreted her silence. [shrugs] Win one, lose one. It sucks that I can't share this victory with her. As it is, this is the last thing I have to say to her:

    "Noble, feminine seraphim, I bid you farewell & God speed. Strength & blessings to thee from me, always. Sayonara bye-bye. "

~~~

    The job hunt continues. I'm going to research a bit more about a company's offerings because my kin tells me the compensation is worth squat.

    There's a lot of things to consider, as always. Getting the license at this point in time shifts the options around to my favor, though the primary goals are still the same.

    The Samurai will continue receiving the repairs, upgrades & what-not that it needs to be fully operational. The Veritechs are still hazy so I can't use them yet. The Veritech & Mobile suit pilots require a bit more run time so they'll be more solid. The R2 & Haro units require a bit more detailing & all, though they're more or less ready for use. The challenge in fully utilizing those triggers is that they're supposedly mobile but I can't have mobile triggers because that would make searching for them hard, aside from the fact that I plan on having at least a 100 units each for maintenance & operation purposes.

    There's also the boons I'm to grant to my siblings. I've already decided on what to give to the 2nd & 5th of five & they've agreed that the boons are acceptable. The 3rd & 4th of five will most likely ask for expensive boons [sighs].

    I'll be dancing ASAP to celebrate this victory. I think I'll perform my victory shout ASAP since I've all this energy I have to release.

    All in all:
        a. I'm giddy with joy.

        b. I'm a tad sad about losing her friendship.

        c. I feel that my victory is a tad cheapened by the fact that my kin offered masses for my victory.

    One pivotal battle done, a lot more to go. Into the breach, my friends.

|
|
|
|
|
I PASSED THE LICENSURE EXAM!!!

I'M A -LICENSED- PHYSICAL THERAPIST!!!

|
|
|
|
|
|

    1728H 07/30/08 (GMT +0800H)


    Well, the results for the Licensure Exam aren't here yet.

    As it is, I'm waiting for two decisions or outcomes. The first would be the board exam's results. The second would be the chosen course of action by the Lady I addressed my letter to in the last post.

    Of course, I'm nervous & anxious as I wait for those decisions. I've done what I could in my behalf & everything else regarding those decisions are outside my control.

    It kinda sucks that... scrap that. It REALLY sucks that the Lady I loved & still respect thinks or thought I'd think badly of her. Makes me wonder if I did something overtly wrong or inconsistent. [shrugs] C'est la vie. Murphy's Law kicks in when one least expects it, so I might as well not be surprised.

~~~

    It rained right after I got off the bus to buy household supplies. My feet were reintroduced to the discomfort of slogging through rain & I can say that I'm [smirks] displeased. The fact that the objects I bought weren't dampened kinda makes up for the annoyance but I'm seriously thinking of buying those rubber boots just to keep my feet dry.

    At any rate, I'm done with the first job application. I was told that I'd be notified of my application's results on Friday morning, so it's another "wait-&-see" (I so loathe those situations). If my parents will permit it, I'll be going out to apply to other call-centers in Makati tomorrow. It DEFINITELY sucks that I'm currently financially incapacitated & dependent.

~~~

    My chores are still chores, though my mother has seen fit to deny me exclusive rights to cleaning the after-meal situation. To compensate, I've taken over some of the chores left undone because my sibling/s who were responsible for them are currently unavailable. I still take out the trash weekly, sweep floors & certain areas of the house daily & feed the animals. I really love my multi-colored neko-chan. I'll post pictures of her ASAP so you can all see her. She's the only reason I feed the other animals of the house. If she weren't there, I'd let the others starve. I detest being forced to do something & that includes being given responsibility over animals I can't take care of. Why get dogs if you can't tend to them, huh?

~~~

    If money's the sole determining factor, I'm going to buy the 1/100 MG Char's Gelgoog Ver. 2 & do away with the acquisition of the 1/100 MG Strike rouge. The Strike Rouge is way more expensive even if the articulation is just about at par with the newer Gelgoog. Add the fact that the Gelgoog's size allows for individually articulated fingers (the thumb is NOT a finger) & I'm more likely to buy Char's Gelgoog 'cause it's also pink. At least, the color of its plastic is pink. Makes me wonder why it's colored pink when Char's mobile suits are painted red. Come to think of it, the Char's Zaku Ver. 2's plastic is also colored pink.

    The way things are going, I may not acquire Kaiyodo's Revoltech Alter Saber action figure. The figure is basically just a redeco of the original Saber, so I don't gain anything new aside from the design. I'll still get the Revoltech Yotsuba action figure, but I'll have to choose between the two versions. I think I'll get the latter release since Yotsuba looks more adorable in that release.

    All told, I'll keep on acquiring pieces for my collection, albeit at a slower pace.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1835H 07/29/08 (GMT +0800H)


    In less than 24 hours, I'll know if my efforts have earned me the license to practice as a Filipino Physical Therapist.

    I'm reconciled with the fact that I sallied forth with an underpowered Samurai & such an act would normally merit failure.

    I also know that a miracle sometimes happen, just because.


~~~ (The following is an open letter, for reasons known only to me, reasons that the Lady I address this letter to will know of should she ask for them. The Lady named will know who she is, for we've discussed what her given name means)


Seraphic femininine nobility,


    Now, Silence speaks to me & it says I've wronged you.

    I don't know many things & I don't feel a lot of things, but the little that I see (or do not see) tells me that your absence is your way of saying "Go away".

    If you've no wish to retain me as your friend, I'll fulfill that wish. Though I'm no genie (though I do have the paunch to be one), that much I can do for you.

    I humbly request that you'd at least deign to tell me what has caused you to distance yourself from me, for I would like to make amends for something most likely done out of ignorance.

   
Fredric Hinoken AKA Swordsong Dreamdancer


~~~

    Well, the search for profitable employment has commenced earlier this afternoon. I was thinking of asking my two Filipina LJ buddies about their previous & current employment but I haven't had the chance yet.

    I've applied to places near my parents' house to save on transportation expenses. The list of things I've to finance or reimburse hasn't shortened & I don't think it'll be significantly reduced for another year or so.

    Of course, every little thing counts. That's why I'm increasing my capabilities to produce those dangling earrings I like making. I may make those earrings that have those little dream-catchers, but the costs of that little thing (the miniature dream-catcher) is currently prohibitive. As of now, I'm making those earrings for kith & kin. When I'm satisfied with the quality of the earrings I'm able to produce, I'll put them up for sale.

    I'll cut back on some of the extravagant expenditures, like fast food. The previous months proved that I can make do with cheaper alternatives that'll provide the needed energy. Since I don't consider my hobby as an extravagance, I'll continue adding to my collection of model kits, action figures & toys, albeit at a slower measured pace.

    Anyhow, times like these are when I can use my mental faculties to the fullest. Of course, if my mild headaches when I think are harbingers of what I fear, then I'll die of an aneurysm by my 40s. By then, I'd either be in a state wherein I can allow myself to die or be in a state where my Wife will carry out my will, as per our agreement.

    Here & now, I'm reinforcing the Samurai. I'll be needing a particular item to bring the Fighter bays to full operational status. Most, if not all, of the Samurai's components have to be made from scratch & then fit to the Samurai's scale. There are other items, such as the Veritechs, that would be more easily synthesized if I had the actual item (or at least a scale model of it). There are other things, such as the larger-than-life scale models of the body that I need, that MUST be made from images memorized from books. The fact that I've used a Pellaeon-class Imperial Star Destroyer as the Samurai's basis means I have A LOT of space to fill up. Wide spaces are what makes a memory palace work & nobody said I can't make one out of a heavily modified Pellaeon-class Imperial Star Destroyer.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1749H 07/25/08 (GMT +0800H)


    At times, silence speaks to me.

    It speaks with the voices of my friends, of the characters in the books that I've read, of the various singers & bands I prefer & of the self from my past.

    One may conclude that I'm having aural hallucinations. Think as you see fit.

    Here & now, the silence speaks & it says: "The battle is upon you, yet you have not the required mastery over Freedom & Destiny".

    The local Physical Therapist's Licensure exam will be held the day after this post.

    My mastery over the topics is inconstant, at best. At worst, I will only have my wits to rely on, in a situation that requires knowledge. My mastery of the topics is like my current hold on my swords, tis true that I can hold them with reasonable skill but my current aptitude will not allow me to feed Freedom & Destiny again, for there's the chance I will fail. Failure in mortal combat results in death & my death will deny Freedom & Destiny the blood of my enemies.

    True, Failure walks beside Triumph every step of the journey, with only one being there at the point of judgment. At each point, only one betwixt Failure & Triumph will stand to embrace you while the other looks on.

    Here, now, I look at Triumph & Failure & I can see that both hold their arms open.

    I hope that it is Triumph who'll embrace me.

    Yet, I cannot deny that there's this perverse desire to be embraced by Failure.

~

    Here & now, I know that there are mere hours, minutes, before I face battle. While the examination is not the battle I lust for, the exertions of my mind will still tax my body, albeit on a limited degree.

    In tomorrow's battle, my mind will draw on the strength of my body to fuel, drive & use my mental resources to answer the questions tomorrow & on Sunday.

    In the battle I lust for, my mind & body will work in harmony to earn the victory I hunger for. In that battle, my mind will perceive the flow of power from my body to my opponent & back to me. In that battle, my body will act passionately in accordance with the perceptions of my mind. Both will give no less to shape the victory I desire.

    In tomorrow's battle, though my preparations are incomplete, though the Samurai is underpowered, I shall give it my all.

    Careful, measured consideration will dictate when I will answer questions that require educated guesses.

    Careful, quick perception will dictate what questions will be answered quickly & thus earn me more time.

~

    I have failed to exert the entirety of my person in this endeavor & that is where my fear founts & festers.

    I cite my lack of discipline, for I have not practiced my dance every day prior to this day. Had I practiced everyday, my mind & body would be at its peak, able to contain & wield the knowledge I desire.

    I cite my resentment against my family, for I know that I've this illogical desire to fail because I know my failure will hurt them more that it will hurt me and will thus be an instrument against them. Had I restrained my resentment, my chances of success would be better.

    Come what may, these two criminals will be punished with discorporation & chaining, respectively.

~

    The war for my victory burns on & tomorrow a battle will shine bright.

    Watch me, my friends.

    Celebrate joyous victory with me.

    Give me solitude as I mourn my defeat.

    In my soul, I hold you dear.

-=~~~=~

    You. Yes, you.

    I am most pleased that I am free of your person. You are most disloyal & your morals loose. That I sought your company before, the thought of such a thing, nauseates me.

    While I am disgusted with myself, I am content that I can walk away from you.

    While I myself am impure, that you cannot taint my person any more than you have is a relief beyond compare.

    Stay away.

    Then again, you wouldn't know if you were close to me or not, so the warning's moot.

|
|
|
|
|
|



Angels
    Within Temptation


Sparkling angel
I believed
You are my savior
In my time of need

Blinded by faith
I couldn't hear
All the whispers
The warning's so clear

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door

There's no escape now
No mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus:]
You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they'd turn into real
You broke the promise
And made me realize
It was all just a lie

Sparkling angel
Couldn't see
Your dark intentions
Your feelings for me

Fallen angel
Tell me why?
What is the reason?
The thorn in your eye

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door

There's no escape now
No mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus]

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end

This world may have failed you
It doesn't give the reason why
You could have chosen
A different path of life

The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus]

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end



P.S. I don't own the song nor do I intend to profit from posting the song's lyrics here. Standard disclaimers apply.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1529H 07/18/08(GMT +0800H)


    That I have loved again was a joy.

    That I have been rejected by the Lady I love wrings my heart of the bitter tears that I cannot release.

    That I love so rarely, that I have failed in each sincere endeavor to be loved by my beloved Lady makes me wish I can weep these tears of mine borne from the unyielding reality that I am not worthy of the Lady that rejected my love.

    Am I to be denied the love I deserve until the very last breath I draw? I do not know. I do not know if I even deserve love from without my person.

    Will I always utterly miserably fail to earn the love of my cherished Lady? That I have succeeded in the past means little, for circumstances beyond my purview have ended those relationships (ergo, those relationships couldn't have been with THE cherished Lady). As such, I do not know if I can earn the love of my destined lady.

    Will I even -FIND- her? I do not know.

    I do know these:

    Cold, ruthless & logical I may be, the fiery passion of my ethereal dreams & goals is my motive power.

    I will -NEVER- settle for less.

    I will -NOT-, most definitely NOT, accept a love given out of pity. To be pitied and loved because of that pity is but a step away from disdain & contempt.

    As long as I have breath, I will quest for Her, the Lady who will be my Wife. If, after a thorough search ruled by Logic, I fail to find Her ... I do not know what I'll do if that time does come. I do know that I'll search, look & hope while I live.

    For as long as I can cry because of rejected affections, I know that I have the capacity to love & be loved.

    I cannot surrender. That everybody thinks I can never ever succeed gives me the freedom to act without fear of damnation. I received most, if not all, of the horrible put-downs, contemptous side-glances, condescending smiles,  belittling evaluations & searing ignorant judgment that Humanity can evoke from their persons. That Logic predicts I haven't seen nor received all the horrors Life has to offer scares me. Even so, Nihility stands guard over my core, shielding me from the crippling devaluation hurled against my self. I will prevail or die in the attempt.

    As long as I breathe, I will not relinquish my hold on Freedom & Destiny. As long as my heart beats, I will wield them according to my dreams & convictions. Without mercy, acting upon justice, always will I fight for my heart's desires. Failure is but Eternity's way of saying that another beginning comes. As failure brings me to tears, as failure brings me to my knees, as failure crushes my heart with pain, it is at those moments that I must not surrender my self to the oblivion of resigned apathy.

    Even as I kneel, I will hold on to my swords, to the self that I've grown to & grow towards. Even as I weep sad bitter tears, I will willingly acknowledge that I have loved without quarter & have thus earned what I am worth to the Lady I offered myself to. Even as my heart is gripped tightly in Pain's unrelenting claws, I will endure and step forward with the lessons I've learned, the scars I've received & the resolve to succeed.

    Yes, I withold my tears.

    Yes, I did not receive what I've not earned and thus weep over this failure of mine.

    Yes, I will step forward towards the battles I've yet to fight, for I still have life within and to deny those battles is to deny myself the chance to earn my righteous glory.

    Let all who've earned my wrath tremble. Impede me & eat the fruits of your injustice, for I've no forgiveness for your malice. You, you people of my blood, you sought to destroy me even as you created me & then damn my struggles, failures, my very existence. Truly, I will make you pay.

    I live. I fight.

    I dance. I think.

    I weep. I laugh.

    I love. I hate.

    As I can choose, I will act.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    2346H 07/17/08 (GMT +0800H)


    Tonight, I was able to obtain priceless confirmatory data.

    I discovered that my brother & father think I'm predisposed to self-destruction that inevitably involves & negatively influences those around me. That they think in such a manner confirms my observation that I am perceived by my family as a contemptible piece of refuse whose insufferable existence has to be endured because I am of their blood.

    The data evoked anger. My father was blind to the fact that he was party to the creation of my self-destructive tendencies. His arguably well-intentioned disciplinary acts formed the core of my self-deprecating nihilistic demeanor.

    The data evoked thoughts of vengeance. That those who knew no better presumed to pass judgment over my person is a despicable act of hypocrisy. That I am made to pay for my faults while they are pardoned for theirs -REEKS- of self-serving scorn directed towards my person.

    Truly, I swear upon Freedom & Destiny, I will make my family pay for passing judgment over my person, ignorant of the fact that they created the monstrosity that bears my given name. I will extract vengeance without going against the tenets of familial responsibility. Truly, they will pay in due time.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    2035H 07/17/08 (GMT +0800H)


    I'm of the opinion that no lesson is truly learned unless it was bought with pain.

    Upon reflection, my heartbreak over my rejected feelings could have been avoided. The simulations I've run pretty much indicated that I'd fail to win this particular battle. More than 50% of the pertinent variables outside my person were all undefined & outside my purview. Prudence dissuaded me from pursuing her affections on the premise that my chances of failure were greater than (approximately) 80% owing to my ignorance of my beloved's person, pertinent aspects & those little tidbits that can disrupt the smooth turning of the wheels within wheels.

    Of course, since I like gambling, I took my chances with her, knowing that great risks equate with either great profits or great loss. I wanted to find Her, the Lady I was meant to marry. From the little that I knew, I was willing to gamble that she was Her. I knew that my person had a reasonable ability to sway the numbers to my favor if Murphy's Law doesn't kick in more than 50% of the time. I knew that my person has the necessary software that would allow me to survive if I were to encounter crushing defeat.

    I decided to allow my feelings for her to grow. My appreciation of her was already positive from the start & her person was decidedly irresistible. The numbers added up quite nicely since she, according to my analysis (which may be wrong), reciprocated my attraction to her.

    Hell, she was short & I'm not tall, which would make our prospective kids small & stocky.

    She was diabetic, which wasn't a good variable since my bipolar I has approximately a 15% chance of being transmitted to my kids so there's the chance that any kids we'd make would have one or both disorders, which would be expensive at the very least. Cost wouldn't have been an object, of course, since the kids would've been ours & therefore reasonably brilliant since we're both reasonably intelligent & capable in our respective fields. Even if the child grows to be less than brilliant, I promised myself that I would love the child unconditionally.

    She didn't want to migrate. My goals would've benefited from working overseas, whether or not I return to the country.

    She was (& I think still is) afraid of or disturbed by aspects of my person. She reacted negatively to my revelation of my suicidal tendencies. She was scared when I introduced Destruction (even if it was obvious I wouldn't turn Destruction against my loved ones). She thinks it's weird that I treat emotions as data &/or that I perceive myself as a cyborg analog. Come to think of it (tilts head to the right in thought), I haven't introduced her to the concept of what a Mentat is. I'm training to be a warrior Mentat, just like what Thufir Hawat & the first incarnations/gholas of Duncan Idaho were. Mentats rock [smiles]!

    Even if those details entailed additional heretofore unnecessary changes or adaptations, I thought, "I love her, ergo, I'll adapt accordingly, price no object, because she's worth it". She was, quite simply, truly exceptional, hence my resolute determination to leave no stone unturned when it came to my dedication to her.

    This morning, the axe dropped on the neck of my courtship of her as I read her e-mail to me.

    After I revealed my appraisal of her rejection to me, she said I was too (I'm not sure if she wrote "too") cold. She wasn't the first woman to think I'm cold. I mean [shrugs], does the intent &/or rationale behind her rejection of my affection change the nature of the results? Sure, logical intent or rationale would reduce the pain evoked, but pain would still be evoked, yes [tilts head to the right]? What is, is. Euphemisms are for the soft hearted, used to insult with impunity or utilized for diplomatic purposes.

    She asked if I'd keep my promise that we'd still be friends after she rejects my courtship. I told her to let the dead bury the dead, an allusion she didn't comprehend (which may be for the best). As such, I told her that my honor won't allow me to rescind my vow. Therefore, I shall be her friend, as I promised. If I've no honor, I've nothing. Honor dictates that I keep my promise, so I will, within reason.

    I loved her. The pain I've felt from her rejection was forcefully ruthlessly muted to allow my survival. That I loved without reservation and was not loved in return saddens me. Then again [tilts head to the right], if I wrote that I didn't feel anything, I'd be considered an unfeeling asshole and since I wrote I was saddened by her rejection, I'll likely be considered a sour-graping nitwit. [shrugs] Damned if you do and damned if you don't, then.


~~~


    Tis a relief that Mai Hoshimura's Merry go round was the song as I wrote [weeps]. While I live, the probability that I'll be happy exists. I've survived up to this point, I can't give up on myself. If I give up on myself, I'm the only one who'll lose because I'm the only person who values myself in my totality. I mean no insult to my friends [sniffles]. That my friends have reservations about my person is not a fault. That I am useful to them in a limited way is reason enough for gratitude. That I have nobody to weep on is deplorable when I am available for others when they need comfort. That I receive  undeserved anger while I have to bury my fury makes me question Divine Providence.

    I hope that by the time I die, I can say that all this has been worthwhile. I hope that I can tell myself that the lessons I've learned were really profitable & well-earned. I am thoroughly, utterly afraid that I will die without earning anything worthwhile.

|
|
|
|
|
|
    1635H 07/15/08 (GMT +0800H)

    
    Stephanie's Because of you moves my fingers as I type. For a Lady with a long chin, I find her pretty. Celine Dion is marginally pretty but Stephanie -is- pretty, in my opinion. According to her Wikipedia entry, she's half-Japanese & half-Armenian. I guess her long legs & face come from her Armenian heritage. She's got a pretty pair of eyes that are slanted just right with brown eyes that feel like chocolate to the soul.

    I've this attraction to female singers. Then again [tilts head to the right], I guess any normal virile male would be attracted to reasonably attractive females.

    I guess there's this part of me that responds to a song that won't be denied life. Every time I swing my sticks that represent Freedom & Destiny, their audible passage through air is music for me. The moment I spar or teach (like earlier), the staccato of stick hitting stick has a life that paints the air.

    I'm currently watching the video of Honoo no tobira by FictionJunction Yuuka. Yuuka Nanri isn't pretty per se but her voice and the way her body sways to the music has a magnetic quality to it that makes me touch-type so I can watch while typing this entry.

    Yep, I'm on an audio-video binge as I review the brachial plexus and as I resolve to dance with my beloved gorgeous petite Lady instead of going "POOF". [tilts head to the right] It sucks to have principles that bind me to a particular course of action that seems irrational or impractical. But if I didn't have honor, what does that make me, huh?

    Tomoko Kawase of The brilliant green is darned pretty when she doesn't dress up as Tommy Heavenly or Tommy February. I really love the beat of Ash like snow. I really have to study music terminology so I can properly describe what I like about a song. I feel like a novice wielding a real nodachi when I'm trying to find the words to describe what it is that I wish to describe (A nodachi is a long & large sword used against cavalry or massed infantry. According to what I know, you'd need considerable skill, strength, control & intelligence to properly wield such a sword because each swing requires a greater amount of energy. Ergo, one must maximize the effect of each swing if one wishes to prevail or succeed). That orange Haro is kinda iconic of Gundam 00.

    I love the energetic choreography of Nami Tamaki's videos. It's similar to the way I dance, relatively slow movements punctuated by powerful sequences. Of course, the moment my rhythm has been determined by my opponent, I'd have to change into something that would overwhelm him/her should the duel last into that stage.

    Hayami Kishimoto is one attractive skinny girl. She's got enough curves & the face to clearly state that she's irresistibly female. I'd really like to be able to sway my hips the way she does it in her video of Mei Q meikyuu make you. Of course, I'd have to first define my abdominal & hip muscles before I can even hope to pull off those gyrations. I think I can do her moves that don't require swaying hips, though.

    Sakura Taisen has pretty visuals & a set of robots that's suited to the technology of its universe. Steam requires cylindrical spherical containers to properly contain & transmit the power it generates. Behold the kobu, fat robots powered by steam. Plus, the female pilots of those robots know how to sing & dance (because its their cover) and you've got an annoyed me because I have to wait before I can watch the series. I love their series opening song. And their series ending song.

-=~~~=-

    Times like this, I feel like a paired set of Heartless & Nobody. The Heartless is maddened by the hunger left by the kidnapped heart. The Nobody is the heart torn from its body.